A life lesson ...

In the last week A-One's WOW guild kicked him out.

He was very upset telling me about it.

A-One: They said I made them feel uncomfortable.  That I talked too much about what I was doing.  And now they've put me on 'Ignore'.

Mum: Are they the same ones who were planning the real life event next February? (which A-One's father and I had been very nervous about, with all the risks of meeting up with online 'friends').

A-One: Yes, and I was looking forward to that.

Mum: Did they mean you talked too much about what you were doing in the game or in real life?

A-One: I think they meant the game.  What should I do?  I want them to reconsider and give me another chance.

Mum: Well, it seems like they don't want to.  You'll probably have to move on to another guild, and remember to not talk as much about what you're doing.

A-One: They told me a bit about that a while ago, and I thought I'd stopped doing that.

Mum: OK. Well, it seems like it wasn't enough for them.  All that means is that you need to improve picking up on social signals from people.  And you can do that.  But it's much harder in an online game because you miss out on all the non-verbal communication.  Do you know what that is?

A-One: No.

Mum: The words that people use are just a very small part of communicating.  Their eyes, tone of voice, posture - all these things tell you something too - in fact much more than their words.  For example, you might be talking to someone and their eyes might be looking away all the time.  That's a signal for you to stop talking, and perhaps ask them a question about themselves, or to let them talk about something.

A-One: Hold on.  Back track.  What were you just saying?

I repeated it, trying to couch it as a social 'rule' for A-One to learn, when he said:

A-One: I got a message from (a school friend) about that the other day.

He proceeded to show me his Facebook message.  A female friend had given him some tips on how to have (and not have) social conversations.  'Stand about one or two metres (sic) away from people.' 'I might say ...  Then you might say ....  Then I might say ....' and so on. 'You just don't keep talking about the same thing all the time'.  The tone of her message was genuinely wanting to help him, and I was touched by her kindness in going to the trouble of giving such direct feedback in as friendly a way as she could.

Mum: She's trying to help you A-One.  It might hurt to hear it, but you really can learn to do this better. We could practise it here.  She's been a good friend to you, trying to help you like this.

A-One: Do you know the worst part of the guild was that they had a meeting about me, and wouldn't let me be there. What can I do to make them take me back?

Mum: I don't know them, so I can't really advise on what approach might work, or even whether they'd be interested in hearing from you. 

A-One showed me the messages on the game, and they had clearly reached the end of their patience with him, yet had tried to be not too nasty in telling him.

Mum: Had you ever mentioned anything to them about a disability?

A-One: Well, yes, I had mentioned that a little.  And one of the members has a child with a speech problem, so I thought they understood.  It takes a while to find a good guild, and the people in this one seemed to be family oriented.

Mum:  Well, I really don't know if it's wise to try to talk to them again.  When a break-down in a relationship has got this far, if you really want to repair it, the very first thing you have to do is acknowledge what they are saying.  You certainly can't ask for anything first up.  And you might have to wait a while before you even say anything ... to give them time to get over the heat of it first.  Because it sure sounds like you've done your dash with them.

A-One: So what could I say?

Mum: Well, if you say anything at all, it has to be short, and simple, and gracious.

Despite my reservations about trying to repair a relationship with a group whom he has never met in real life!, because it's the first time he's really wanted some advice, I thought it presented a learning opportunity which he could apply in real life.

In the end, we spent a couple of hours talking through it.  We worked on some words which he wrote down on his iPod to copy it online later.  He later sent the message, 'I hear what you are saying.  I get it - I have to stop talking about what I do all the time (in game and IRL).  As you know I have a developmental disability and I want to improve myself.  Thank you for your feedback and for the good times I had in the guild.'

A-One: Of course, I think they really should give me a second chance! The worst part is that I won't even know if they got the message.

Mum: Well, if you don't hear anything back, you'll just have to move on, and remember how you can do things differently in future.  This is a really good time to add other groups to your life - in real life.  Join up for Tae Kwon Do or Karate, or is there some other sport you'd like to do?

A-One: Yes, I might like to do that.

He didn't hear back.

Status Check

A-One hasn't done much brain training over the last month - just one day in the last four weeks.  His last score on Lumosity was 45th percentile, comprising the following sub-percentiles:

• Speed: 72.4
• Memory: 60.1
• Attention: 46.8
• Flexibility: 53.9
• Problem Solving: 9.1

All of the above are well within the average range, except Problem Solving.  I reckon his overall BPI would be higher than 45th percentile if he learnt his number facts.

So, has anything changed for A-One from his brain training?

When he met with his employment consultant yesterday discussing kitchen hand work, I noticed that he worked out how many years he'd been cleaning up the kitchen at home when I said he'd been rostered on that job since he was at least 8 years old.  Next week he turns 23.  He casually slipped into his conversation 'So, I've been doing that for 15 years.'  No pause, no counting on fingers.

I've also been noticing that his conversations as he plays WOW with his online friends are quite coherent and not all one-way.  Quite different from just a few years ago when he'd get on to a topic and keep talking regardless of signals that it was time to let someone else speak, or to inquire after them.  It all sounds very regular to me.

He now needs to build his confidence, and become motivated to get out of his comfort zone at home.

Not so enthusiastic

As excited as I have been about using CogStateTM to independently baseline A-Ones's cognitive functioning, and getting ready to try him out with C8 - Kids Cognitive Cross Training, I don't exactly have an enthusiastic partner in my venture.

Last night A-One went to bed early.  His sleeping patterns have become more erratic lately because he's been playing WOW on and off both day and night. However, after last night I thought 'You beaudy!  He's had a really good night's sleep.  His brain will be fresh. What a golden opportunity to begin the CogStateTM practice tests!'  I had been 'warming' him up to them over the last couple of days. Waking him up mid-morning:

Mum: Hi A-One. Time to get up. After such a good night's sleep, let's get started with your round of practice tests today.  How about you get up, eat, have a shower (it's been several days), and we can get started.

A-One: OK, I'll get up, but we'll see about the practice tests.

Later on as he was having breakfast ...

Mum: When will we get started? This afternoon sometime?

A-One: No! I'm not doing it today!

Mum: A-One, this is a golden opportunity because you had such a good night's sleep! Your brain will be on fire!

A-One: I'm not doing it today! 

Mum: The scientists have proven that you need adequate sleep, nutrition, physical exercise, as well as mental exercise for your brain to be healthy, so it's important that you've had adequate sleep to do the tests.

A-One: How do they know that? I'll prove that I can be fine without even 5 hours sleep!

Mum: Do you see that this brain training work is about helping you be able to have a job, and not just a job, but a good job? What will you do instead today?

A-One: Other things.

Mum: Do you think your WOW friends would be happy for you to spend some time away from them, improving things for yourself?

A-One: Yes.   

Mum: Well, can we do it tomorrow?

A-One: Yes.

Mum: What time?

A-One: I don't know!

Mum: How about 10am?

A-One: OK.

Mum: It may take about 3 hours all up.

A-One: Three hours! How come?

Mum: The practice will take about an hour or more, so that you get used to what you have to do.  Then we do the real baseline test, which will take just as long.

A-One: No, we're doing only the first part.

Mum: So when will we do the second part?

A-One: The next day, Sunday.

Mum: I can't do it Sunday because Dad and I have something on Sunday morning.

A-One: Well, whenever is the next time!

Mum: You do realise, don't you, that improving things for yourself can start right now?

So instead today, I'm blogging ... and he's WOW'ing.

Under his own steam

Over the last month I have not been overseeing A-One's brain training too closely.  Under his own steam he has averaged training 3 times a week, which I'm very pleased about. 

At 53.6th percentile, his Flexibility has now finally passed the 50th percentile which is great news too! 

His Problem Solving is the only area that still lags under 10th percentile.

Over the last month we have been learning more about his WOW friends because he talks to them frequently, using his headphones and microphone. When playing, he sits in our family room so that he can use the internet cable instead of our unreliable wireless - we can't help overhearing his end of the conversations.  His sitting in our family area helps to include his online life with ours.

A Centrelink appointment ... for?

We visited Centrelink this morning to attend an appointment for people on disability pensions who are looking for less than a specified number of hours of work per week. At our last meeting with A-One's Disability Employment Services provider, A-One's target hours per week were recorded as 8-16.  He had received a phone call from Centrelink inviting him to attend an appointment to talk about how he's going; to make sure he's not falling through society's cracks; that he is making progress with his employment goals, and has some engagement with community.

A-One: I'm nervous about this appointment.  I hope they don't ask me any questions I'm uncomfortable with.

Mum: What type of questions might they be?

A-One: If they ask me what else I'm doing besides looking at emails for work.

Mum: How would you answer?

A-One: That I watch some TV, do some reading, play some X-Box games, play computer games.

From where I stand, he seemed to have reversed the order, but I let it pass. Instead I posed some questions he might get.

Mum: What about friends?

A-One: Yes, I talk to them.

Mum: How do you talk to them - call? email? Facebook?

A-One: Facebook.

Mum: When was the last time you talked to them?

A-One: It's been a little while.

Mum: How long is 'a little while'?  Before? After? Christmas?

A-One: After Christmas was the last time.

He observed the security people in the Centrelink office so we went on to discuss why they might be there, when his name was called.

The Centrelink officers were friendly, but the process for the interview seemed to be very perfunctory.  We were advised that this was a new initiative of the federal government, and that his participation was entirely voluntary; that they had a set list of questions to ask and that the outcome would be a plan which he would sign.  The timeframe for any plan could be long term, for example five years.

My impressions?  Accepting A-One's responses at face value with no insightful questioning as to what might really constitute barriers to employment.  In response to A-One's stated goal of becoming a sound engineer or assistant DJ, there was some brief discussion about a TAFE course, but they simply noted that A-One was not doing it. They stressed to A-One that he share his employment goals with his Disability Employment Services (DES) provider.  They gave A-One a glossy package containing a pen, a notebook, and a copy of his signed 'plan' which stated his employment goal which, as he said, is already on his resume anyway. I came away with the feeling that they could tick off another box in 'assisting' people; it seemed more like a bureaucratic overhead.

Our discussion on the way home seemed to provide more insight that I thought such an interview might have drawn out.

A-One: I don't  mind doing study that is hands on, like making sure that everything is connected properly, but I'd struggle if I had to do assignments that required writing.  Even games testing would be good, but I'd have difficulty writing reports of the tests.  There are problems with WOW, but I don't know if the WOW developers would think they are problems.

Mum: There's a website where you can submit problems with WOW - perhaps you could start small by practising reporting bugs there?

A-One: You see, in WOW my character is at level 90 and I've been trying to get a recipe for food for health - you can restore the health of your character with food.  It's at level 60, which should be really easy for me, but I've been trying for years to get it and still haven't - that's very frustrating. You see I like to collect full sets of things, and ...

... and so on for the rest of our trip home.

Easter holidays

As Easter approached, we told A-One about our plans for family camping, as we often do at Easter.  A-One was not enthusiastic.

A-One: Do I have to go?

Mum: Yes. We can't leave you here for 6 days on your own.  You can't even drive to the supermarket for food.

A-One: Will there be anyone else there?

Mum: Yes.  Some of your cousins will be there.

He likes the company of his cousins but he came along grudgingly nevertheless, leaving his packing until late as usual.  He has two tents of his own, but he elected to sleep in the second room of our two-room family tent because there was less setup.

We are used to his 'help' at setting up camp. It involves a lot of looking on his part, and a lot of doing on ours.

Regardless, we enjoyed ourselves, and tried to allocate washing/wiping up to A-One only when timing wasn't important.

Once A-One's cousins had left he kept asking if we could leave a day early. We didn't. However, when it came to packing up, his level of helpfulness was a notch up on his usual standard.

More remarkable was his ready willingness to come with us the next weekend to stay in a high rise apartment down the coast.  No protests about going.  I told him there'd be free internet (enough for emails, but probably not enough for games), but he decided not to take his laptop! When we arrived, he wanted photos of him with other well known high rises in the background, and was keen to go for a walk to check out the surrounds.  This level of enthusiasm is rare.

We ate in the mall on Saturday night, watching the passing crowds, many of whom were dressed up for clubbing.

A-One: There's a real vibe here and I like it. I think I should have worn something better.  I'd really like to stay out - if only I had some friends to go out with.

Perhaps his new Disability Employment Service can help him gain the skills to be more engaged socially.  However, he will need to decide (and follow through) on how much time he plays WOW.  Today, he told us: 'I've just got a mount that I've been trying to get for ages!!!!  I've killed the boss 46 times - it feels like much more than that - but I've finally got the golden Phoenix!  I'm so happy, I'm just shaking!!!'