Persuasion - one step at a time

A week or so ago I broached the subject of attending the Arrowsmith program with A-One.

A-One: Well I'm not going!

Mum: A-One, this program could really help you!  For example, if you wanted to do a course at TAFE, you could find it easier than when you were at school.  It could help you learn better.  You remember that you found writing difficult at school?  It could help you do that better.

A-One: I didn't find writing difficult.  It was what to write.

Mum: Yes, that's right.

A-One: Anyway, I'm not going!

Mum: This is very serious A-One.  When we're gone, what will you do? Where will you live? How will you get your groceries? Who will help you manage your insurances? Health cover? Tax returns? Your pension?  It's not right to those who love you, nor to the Australian public who fund your pension, if you don't take up an opportunity which may help you be able to do those things for yourself!  Surely you'll at least try it?

A-One: No, I'm not doing it!

Mum: This is so serious, we'll have to start thinking about making it a condition of you living in this house.

A-One: You can't do that!

Mum: You are 23 years of age and you need to be thinking about living more independently.

A-One: I'm not going anywhere!

Mum: What are you objecting to so much?

A-One: I don't need it.

Mum: And yet you don't have a job, nor a driver's licence, nor able to take on responsibilities that others your age are already doing.

A-One: That's not my fault! Employers should give me a job!  They should give me a chance!

Mum: Don't you want to give yourself the best chance?

A-One: Yes, but I'm not that bad. I don't need it.

Mum: That's right. You're quite capable of many things. But this program is for people who are already good at some things, but have some blockages in their brain that stop them from doing other things.

A-One: I'm not doing it.

Mum: A-One. Has it been your experience that people often get frustrated with you? That they lose patience with you? For all your life so far?

A-One: Yes.

Mum: Do you want it to be that way for the rest of your life?  Do you think we want it that way? There's a chance your life could be different in a way you don't yet know. Don't you think we'd want your life to be one where people no longer get impatient with you?

He started giggling.  Not because he found it funny. It was his emotive response.

A-One: Stop talking about it.  I'm not doing it.

Mum: Well, you've assessed that you don't need this program.  What about the people who are offering the program?  Don't you think they'd be able to tell whether you're a suitable candidate?  If we put in an expression of interest, that doesn't mean you'd automatically be doing the program.  They might decide that it wouldn't really help you, and you'd be right after all.  Couldn't we at least see what they say?

I can't quite recall if he said anything after that. It seemed to me he was still intransigent, so I thought I'd draw round one to a close.  I knew it would take some time for him to get used to the idea, even if just to agree to an expression of interest.

That evening, his father said to me simply, 'He's doing it.'  He went to A-One's room to talk it over with him.

After about 20 minutes, his father reported that A-One had agreed to the expression of interest.

The chorus (A-One's youngest sister) commented: Gee, I was expecting there to be shouting and tears over this tonight, but it was all very calm and controlled. Wow.

I'm not sure where the magic happened.

A-One may be right.  This program may not be the right one for him.  It's for people with average or above average intelligence, and in the past A-One's tests put him at low average - yet still in the average range.

At least we have a chance to find out now.

A life lesson ...

In the last week A-One's WOW guild kicked him out.

He was very upset telling me about it.

A-One: They said I made them feel uncomfortable.  That I talked too much about what I was doing.  And now they've put me on 'Ignore'.

Mum: Are they the same ones who were planning the real life event next February? (which A-One's father and I had been very nervous about, with all the risks of meeting up with online 'friends').

A-One: Yes, and I was looking forward to that.

Mum: Did they mean you talked too much about what you were doing in the game or in real life?

A-One: I think they meant the game.  What should I do?  I want them to reconsider and give me another chance.

Mum: Well, it seems like they don't want to.  You'll probably have to move on to another guild, and remember to not talk as much about what you're doing.

A-One: They told me a bit about that a while ago, and I thought I'd stopped doing that.

Mum: OK. Well, it seems like it wasn't enough for them.  All that means is that you need to improve picking up on social signals from people.  And you can do that.  But it's much harder in an online game because you miss out on all the non-verbal communication.  Do you know what that is?

A-One: No.

Mum: The words that people use are just a very small part of communicating.  Their eyes, tone of voice, posture - all these things tell you something too - in fact much more than their words.  For example, you might be talking to someone and their eyes might be looking away all the time.  That's a signal for you to stop talking, and perhaps ask them a question about themselves, or to let them talk about something.

A-One: Hold on.  Back track.  What were you just saying?

I repeated it, trying to couch it as a social 'rule' for A-One to learn, when he said:

A-One: I got a message from (a school friend) about that the other day.

He proceeded to show me his Facebook message.  A female friend had given him some tips on how to have (and not have) social conversations.  'Stand about one or two metres (sic) away from people.' 'I might say ...  Then you might say ....  Then I might say ....' and so on. 'You just don't keep talking about the same thing all the time'.  The tone of her message was genuinely wanting to help him, and I was touched by her kindness in going to the trouble of giving such direct feedback in as friendly a way as she could.

Mum: She's trying to help you A-One.  It might hurt to hear it, but you really can learn to do this better. We could practise it here.  She's been a good friend to you, trying to help you like this.

A-One: Do you know the worst part of the guild was that they had a meeting about me, and wouldn't let me be there. What can I do to make them take me back?

Mum: I don't know them, so I can't really advise on what approach might work, or even whether they'd be interested in hearing from you. 

A-One showed me the messages on the game, and they had clearly reached the end of their patience with him, yet had tried to be not too nasty in telling him.

Mum: Had you ever mentioned anything to them about a disability?

A-One: Well, yes, I had mentioned that a little.  And one of the members has a child with a speech problem, so I thought they understood.  It takes a while to find a good guild, and the people in this one seemed to be family oriented.

Mum:  Well, I really don't know if it's wise to try to talk to them again.  When a break-down in a relationship has got this far, if you really want to repair it, the very first thing you have to do is acknowledge what they are saying.  You certainly can't ask for anything first up.  And you might have to wait a while before you even say anything ... to give them time to get over the heat of it first.  Because it sure sounds like you've done your dash with them.

A-One: So what could I say?

Mum: Well, if you say anything at all, it has to be short, and simple, and gracious.

Despite my reservations about trying to repair a relationship with a group whom he has never met in real life!, because it's the first time he's really wanted some advice, I thought it presented a learning opportunity which he could apply in real life.

In the end, we spent a couple of hours talking through it.  We worked on some words which he wrote down on his iPod to copy it online later.  He later sent the message, 'I hear what you are saying.  I get it - I have to stop talking about what I do all the time (in game and IRL).  As you know I have a developmental disability and I want to improve myself.  Thank you for your feedback and for the good times I had in the guild.'

A-One: Of course, I think they really should give me a second chance! The worst part is that I won't even know if they got the message.

Mum: Well, if you don't hear anything back, you'll just have to move on, and remember how you can do things differently in future.  This is a really good time to add other groups to your life - in real life.  Join up for Tae Kwon Do or Karate, or is there some other sport you'd like to do?

A-One: Yes, I might like to do that.

He didn't hear back.

Turbo in waiting?

A-One's fortnightly appointment with his employment consultant falls due tomorrow, and he is meant to have had at least 8 employer contacts since the last meeting.  That was his 'homework' for the last meeting, and the one before that too, but the dog ate it both times.

I reminded him yesterday that we'd better get down to the shopping centre today if he is not to be embarrassed about not having done his homework.

Mum: When do you want to get started tomorrow?

A-One: Early.

Mum: What time is 'early'?

A-One: I don't know. Just early in the morning.

Mum: Well, early in the morning could mean 5am.

A-One: Not that early.

Around 10am, after I had finished my exercise, I woke him.  I calculated that he might be ready by the time I'd finished my shower.

Mum: Time to wake up.  We going to the shopping centre today?

A-One: What for? ... Oh, yeh.

Mum: So get up.  Have breakfast.  Do you need to shower?  Also, empty the dishwasher before we go too.  Get cracking.  We're not going down there at 4pm because that will not be enough time.  And if you leave it until lunch time, the people you want to see may be on lunch.  Come on.  Time to get up and at 'em.

We have had a few exchanges in the intervening hours in response to my
'A-One, what's happening?'s:

A-One: I've only just finished my breakfast ... What should I wear? .... I'm just getting dressed .... I need to check something in my resume ....  I'm just getting something ....

It's now past 2pm.  It appears not a creature is stirring ... I'd better go see what's happening again.

Status Check

A-One hasn't done much brain training over the last month - just one day in the last four weeks.  His last score on Lumosity was 45th percentile, comprising the following sub-percentiles:

• Speed: 72.4
• Memory: 60.1
• Attention: 46.8
• Flexibility: 53.9
• Problem Solving: 9.1

All of the above are well within the average range, except Problem Solving.  I reckon his overall BPI would be higher than 45th percentile if he learnt his number facts.

So, has anything changed for A-One from his brain training?

When he met with his employment consultant yesterday discussing kitchen hand work, I noticed that he worked out how many years he'd been cleaning up the kitchen at home when I said he'd been rostered on that job since he was at least 8 years old.  Next week he turns 23.  He casually slipped into his conversation 'So, I've been doing that for 15 years.'  No pause, no counting on fingers.

I've also been noticing that his conversations as he plays WOW with his online friends are quite coherent and not all one-way.  Quite different from just a few years ago when he'd get on to a topic and keep talking regardless of signals that it was time to let someone else speak, or to inquire after them.  It all sounds very regular to me.

He now needs to build his confidence, and become motivated to get out of his comfort zone at home.

The best laid plans ...

At his meeting with his employment consultant yesterday, A-One reported on the job ads he had found interesting over the last fortnight, even if just a little.

A-One: There was one that required some packaging of orders, with some reception and admin work.  But they wanted someone who could 'work under pressure', and 'answer phone calls at reception'.

Consultant: Let me stop you right there.  How do you know if your idea of pressure is the same as their idea of pressure? You don't really know until you try.  When you think maybe you can't do it, I want you to put those thoughts away, and give it a go.  It's a good to be in the habit of applying, and good practice if you get an interview.  And when they say they want experience? Remember, you say you are willing to learn.

A-One: Yes.

Consultant: As you say, you might not find cleaning jobs really interesting, but you need to start somewhere, and from there you can work on to other jobs that you like better.

Mum: Yes, over the last fortnight, I heard A-One say for the first time ever 'working my way up'!

Consultant: Yes, that's how it can work. Will you get to your 8 employer contacts for our next meeting?

A-One: Yes, I'll do that.

On the way home, the plan had been to go via the shopping centre so that A-One could drop in his resume at his targeted shops (electronic gaming), as well as be on the look out for those looking for staff.

Mum: We'll just stop by home first so that you can swap the thongs for some shoes.

A-One: So, we're going home first now?  ... I really need a haircut too.

Mum: We could do that right now if you like.

A-One: OK.   Now, (consulting his iPod notes) how do I pay for this with my card again? Do I press credit or savings?

The haircut and payment duly executed, we headed for the 'quick' stop at home. He headed for the toilet.

Thirty minutes later:

Mum: A-One, how long will you be?  We'll run out of time!

A-One: We won't do it this afternoon.

After he emerged, he sat at his computer:

Mum: So when do you want to go down to the shopping centre?

A-One: I don't know.

Mum: If you need my help to get there, or to help you practice what to say before you talk to employers, you need to give me a time.  But if you go there on the bus, or walk, then it's up to you.

A-One: I don't know!  I need to think about it.

Mum: OK. How long do you think you'll need to think about it?

A-One: I don't know!

I moved on to something else.  Another day, another try ...

Job Hunting?

A-One and I had an appointment with his employment consultant again yesterday.  He had been given 'homework' - to have 8 employer contacts (submitted his resume) in the preceding fortnight.

Since the last appointment I had been reminding him about looking up the job sites in the way his consultant had shown him, or heading down to the local shopping centre to hand in his resume.  Despite his insistence to the contrary, as far as I could tell not much had been happening because he usually asks me questions when he's perusing jobs.

I woke him at 11:30am for a 1pm appointment.  At 12:30pm, he stepped dressed from the shower:

A-One: We should go down to the shopping centre before our meeting.

Mum: We don't have time for that now.  We have to leave here by 12:45pm at the latest to make it to the appointment by 1pm.

A-One: Yes, we'll have time.  I can't really go with nothing to show.

Mum: I'm glad to see you realise your obligations, but it needs more time than we have right now.  We simply won't make it by 1pm if we go down to the shopping centre now.

A-One: How do you know that? All I have to do is eat my breakfast and clean my teeth and then we can go to the shopping centre.

I left it as a rhetorical question until he had finished his food and cleaned his teeth.  By that time it was 1:45pm.

Mum: Are you ready to go now?

A-One: Yes.

Mum: You realise we're only just going to make it to the meeting?

A-One: Okay Mum.  You don't have to keep going on about it.

I went out to the car with A-One following me. He then rushed upstairs saying he'd forgotten something.  By the time we were backing out the driveway, it was 4 minutes to 1pm.

A-One: What will I say?

Mum: What do you think you might say?

A-One: I don't know.  That's why I'm asking you.

Mum: You'll have to call (consultant) to let him know we will be late.  (This happens for just about every meeting.)

A-One (on his mobile): Just calling to let you know we'll be a bit late.  We're on our way ... No, I didn't get around to that ... yes, we can talk about it soon.

A-One (off the phone): So, what should I say?

Mum: Well, what have you done in the last fortnight?

A-One: I've been looking, but I don't see jobs I'm interested in or think I could do.  (Pause)  ... I could tell him what I've done. And we could go down to the shopping centre on the way home after the meeting.  So I can tell him what I plan to do too.

Mum: Sounds good to me.  Still, it's better to be able to tell what you've done than what you plan to do.

Arrowsmith in Brisbane!

The very good news is that the Shaping Brains Project of The Benevolent Society has now signed up for the Arrowsmith program at the Acacia Ridge Early Years Centre. The program will be for children - but for adults too!  Sheryl Batchelor emailed me with her exciting news a few days before she went to Toronto for her training.  She will be starting the candidate selection process when she comes back.

I'm sooo hoping that A-One will be a suitable candidate.

I chose my time to tell him about the program coming to Brisbane, because he hadn't shown any enthusiasm for it when I've raised it with him before.

Mum: A-One, you remember the Arrowsmith program? Well, it's now going to be available in Brisbane.

A-One: Well, I won't be going.

Mum: I think it could help change your life.  Even though we don't know that for absolute certainty, I still think it's the best thing that I've seen that could help you.  You could start thinking about a sound engineer course at TAFE or even something else if you wanted to.  The program could help you to learn and to write more easily - to be able to handle a course so much better than when you were at school.

A-One: It's not necessary.

Sisters: So what are you going to do if you don't do this?

Mum ... and Dad: You know the people who usually do the course are just normal, intelligent people. They just have some blockages in their otherwise perfectly fine brain, and they want to work to remove those blockages so that they can make the best use of the already good parts of their brain.

Grandparents:  A-One, this is very exciting for you.  You'd be at the cutting edge of a new frontier!

I think he'll come round.