A-One: They said I made them feel uncomfortable. That I talked too much about what I was doing. And now they've put me on 'Ignore'.
Mum: Are they the same ones who were planning the real life event next February? (which A-One's father and I had been very nervous about, with all the risks of meeting up with online 'friends').
A-One: Yes, and I was looking forward to that.
Mum: Did they mean you talked too much about what you were doing in the game or in real life?
A-One: I think they meant the game. What should I do? I want them to reconsider and give me another chance.
Mum: Well, it seems like they don't want to. You'll probably have to move on to another guild, and remember to not talk as much about what you're doing.
A-One: They told me a bit about that a while ago, and I thought I'd stopped doing that.
Mum: OK. Well, it seems like it wasn't enough for them. All that means is that you need to improve picking up on social signals from people. And you can do that. But it's much harder in an online game because you miss out on all the non-verbal communication. Do you know what that is?
A-One: No.
Mum: The words that people use are just a very small part of communicating. Their eyes, tone of voice, posture - all these things tell you something too - in fact much more than their words. For example, you might be talking to someone and their eyes might be looking away all the time. That's a signal for you to stop talking, and perhaps ask them a question about themselves, or to let them talk about something.
A-One: Hold on. Back track. What were you just saying?
I repeated it, trying to couch it as a social 'rule' for A-One to learn, when he said:
A-One: I got a message from (a school friend) about that the other day.
He proceeded to show me his Facebook message. A female friend had given him some tips on how to have (and not have) social conversations. 'Stand about one or two metres (sic) away from people.' 'I might say ... Then you might say .... Then I might say ....' and so on. 'You just don't keep talking about the same thing all the time'. The tone of her message was genuinely wanting to help him, and I was touched by her kindness in going to the trouble of giving such direct feedback in as friendly a way as she could.
Mum: She's trying to help you A-One. It might hurt to hear it, but you really can learn to do this better. We could practise it here. She's been a good friend to you, trying to help you like this.
A-One: Do you know the worst part of the guild was that they had a meeting about me, and wouldn't let me be there. What can I do to make them take me back?
Mum: I don't know them, so I can't really advise on what approach might work, or even whether they'd be interested in hearing from you.
A-One showed me the messages on the game, and they had clearly reached the end of their patience with him, yet had tried to be not too nasty in telling him.
Mum: Had you ever mentioned anything to them about a disability?
A-One: Well, yes, I had mentioned that a little. And one of the members has a child with a speech problem, so I thought they understood. It takes a while to find a good guild, and the people in this one seemed to be family oriented.
Mum: Well, I really don't know if it's wise to try to talk to them again. When a break-down in a relationship has got this far, if you really want to repair it, the very first thing you have to do is acknowledge what they are saying. You certainly can't ask for anything first up. And you might have to wait a while before you even say anything ... to give them time to get over the heat of it first. Because it sure sounds like you've done your dash with them.
A-One: So what could I say?
Mum: Well, if you say anything at all, it has to be short, and simple, and gracious.
Despite my reservations about trying to repair a relationship with a group whom he has never met in real life!, because it's the first time he's really wanted some advice, I thought it presented a learning opportunity which he could apply in real life.
In the end, we spent a couple of hours talking through it. We worked on some words which he wrote down on his iPod to copy it online later. He later sent the message, 'I hear what you are saying. I get it - I have to stop talking about what I do all the time (in game and IRL). As you know I have a developmental disability and I want to improve myself. Thank you for your feedback and for the good times I had in the guild.'
A-One: Of course, I think they really should give me a second chance! The worst part is that I won't even know if they got the message.
Mum: Well, if you don't hear anything back, you'll just have to move on, and remember how you can do things differently in future. This is a really good time to add other groups to your life - in real life. Join up for Tae Kwon Do or Karate, or is there some other sport you'd like to do?
A-One: Yes, I might like to do that.
He didn't hear back.
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